Blurring the Mind
by Writing Cramp
Summary: The summer after OOtP, Harry Potter and Remus Lupin find that grief causes them to act in ways their normal selves would not. Slash.


Blurring the Mind  
  
Author: Writing Cramp  
  
Rating: R (could be PG-13- the rating is precautionary for the pairing and darkness)  
  
Summary: The summer after OOtP, Harry Potter and Remus Lupin find that grief causes them to act in ways their normal selves would not.  
  
Pairing: Harry/Remus, (mentioned Remus/Sirius)  
  
Warnings: Big OOtP spoilers, relationship between 16 and 36ish yr old.  
  
Notes: Haha- I never thought I'd write something like this, mainly because I really only see Remus with Sirius and I'm normally not into large age gap pairings. But after OOtP, this idea simply meshed in my head.  
  
*****  
  
At the Dursleys, Harry is miserable.  
  
Truthfully, Harry is miserable every summer when he goes there.  But this summer is different.  This time, he has no muggle relatives to blame, for they, fearing the threats at the end of the school year, have toned down significantly. Aunt Petunia even makes a nice gesture, dusting out a few old pictures of Lily for Harry to see.  
  
But pictures cannot comfort Harry, as although he loves his mum, but she is nothing more than a fantasy, a figment of his imagination.  Instead, he stares blankly day after day, crying inside for the man he considered a father. He finally understands that Sirius is gone, and the pain is going to kill him. But he finds he can't cry. Instead, he continues to moan in his dreams, now seeing Cedric and Sirius die together, one blurred vision, in his dreams.  
  
He wonders if he will see twice as many thestrals next year at Hogwarts.  
  
His only distraction is the frequent letters he receives, but they are not much. Ron and Hermione do not understand. Ron's letters and light, and he knows he does not understand his pain. Hermione simply tells him that studying will take his mind off of things. Harry finds this very unlikely.  While Luna's Quibblers and loony way of writing cheers him up somewhat, the relief is merely temporary.  Lupin writes as he had promised, but they feel brief and forced.  
  
So, it is a sigh of relief when Tonks shows up July 31st, "setting him free," she says, for his birthday surprise.  At first, Harry is happy to go, until he remembers that no one understands, and this is where Sirius had lived.  Ron, Hermione, and the Weasleys greet him with hugs, a birthday cake, and some generic presents. Harry knows they are trying to be understanding, but he does not care. He does not hide his disinterest in his sweet 16, and later on, feels mildly guilty as he snaps involuntarily at Ron.  
  
He notices that from then on Ron avoids their room, preferring to spend time with Ginny and Hermione.  
  
After a few days, Harry realizes Remus Lupin is nowhere to be found. Harry wonders if he is dead.  Mrs. Weasley informs him otherwise but tells him Remus refuses to leave his room, as he sobs in despair. She pleads with Harry to go talk to him, hoping it will cheer him up.  
  
Harry figures he has already insulted everyone else in the house, and one more is no big deal.  
  
Harry enters Remus' room and sees Remus hunched over his desk, his eyes puffy. He has gone entirely gray. But he looks less dull when he sees Harry and smiles and hugs him. He tells Harry he is his guardian now, that it was what Sirius wanted and to please call him Remus, not Mr. Lupin. He says he is glad Harry is here, and there is so much to say. Like, for example, did Harry know he and Sirius were lovers?  
  
Harry shakes his head, although he realizes the fact that they had shared a room in this huge house should have indicated this earlier.  He finds he cannot talk about his own feelings about the death, and Remus only cries the few times he tries. Instead, he asks Harry if he would like to hear stories about the Marauders, back when times were happier. Thoughts of his father perk him up, and Harry obliges.  
  
For the next few days, Harry hears stories about hilarious Marauder pranks, such as the time they turned Snape's robes hot pink.  Remus even tells him the story of his parents' disastrous first date, then about the wedding. He tells of his young romance with Sirius and even Peter Pettigrew's hideous Hufflepuff girlfriend.  
  
After a few days, Harry feels better, and he knows Remus does too. He finally leans in and returns the hug Remus first gave him.  Then Harry does what he does not expect: he leans in and kisses Remus in a way that is not at all like a father kissing a son, for Harry has associated comfort with love.  
  
Remus stiffens in shock but quickly, without response, deepens the kiss.  Harry figures that Remus too needs someone to love, someone to get through this pain where he has lost his lover.  They do not think, for they are animals, and before they know it, robes are off and they are naked.  
  
Harry spends the night in Remus' room. No one minds, as they feel he needs a father figure and Ron is tired of sharing Ginny's bed.  
  
The next couple weeks they spend cuddling and fucking and comforting each other mindlessly, only missing the night where Remus must transform.  Beyond that, they do not miss a beat.  The sex should be horrible and guilt them to no end, but Harry finds his mood improving every day. He attends meals with Remus now, and Molly is delighted. She thanks Harry, smooching him on the forehead.  
  
Oh, Harry knows he never would normally want this with his pale, skinny, old professor, but it is war time and nothing is normal. Normal Remus would be horrified at sex with a 16-year-old, but he is mourning and logic has failed.  It is odd, too, because Harry is quite certain he normally is not gay.  He knows at least that his attraction to Cho Chang was purely lustful and sexual. It was platonic love gone wrong with Remus, he supposes, or maybe he is bisexual.  But he doesn't ponder this, for they never think, they only do, until their sweaty bodies have grown tired.  
  
Besides, there are emotional comforts, as they are the only people who truly understand each other. They were closest to Sirius and everyone tries to feel their pain but simply cannot. Harry finds himself able to talk about Sirius now to Remus, when they are not having sex.  
  
Harry wonders if Sirius would be turning in his grave if he knew his godson and former lover were shagging. He hopes he would understand, but he knows the Weasleys and Hermione would likely have a heart attack. They would not get it. So their secret remains in the bedroom.  
  
When it is time to go to school, Harry kisses Remus deeply. They promise to write and hope they will not go crazy without the other's comfort. Harry leaves knowing he still is not thinking straight, and neither is Remus. They will come to their senses one day when this war is all over and be thoroughly ashamed of themselves. For now, however, this does not matter.  
  
Logic is gone from mind, and heart and gut are all they posses. This is what heart tells them to do. 


End file.
